The Great Kick-off the Blog Query Rejection Rant Contest

Welcome! Today I’m kicking off my author blog with a fun contest and a little help from my fabulous agent, Nathan Bransford. I’m a debut author with Kensington Publishing, and my urban-fantasy, Deadworld, will be released April 5th, 2011. Beyond posting about my book and the writing life in general, I hope to build on something here that will keep folks interest and entertained. As my series has a strong paranormal element to it, I’m going to delve into the supernatural in both interesting and fun ways. I’ve also developed a few ideas for recurring blog posts geared toward readers. We’ll look at haunted places around the world, have guest bloggers, polls, the occasional contest, and hopefully build a place here where we can have fun talking books, writing, and the supernatural. I look forward to meeting you all and seeing you around the blog.

The Query Rant Contest:

Queryies are one of the more enjoyable aspects of the writing process…NOT! I loathe them myself. I don’t do them well. I was fortunate to have something in mine that piqued the interest of my editor and got him to read some pages. I had my share of rejections on querying of Deadworld. I actually queried it more than once (not really recommended) and probably totalled about 70 rejections in all. Most of these were of the form, “Thanks, but not right for me.” We all love these ambiguous, “wtf does that mean?” responses. Did they read the sample pages? How could my query not sound good? It’s perfect for today’s market! The list goes on and on. We cringe when we see those emails pop up in the inbox or the occasional one in the mailbox. We expect it to be a rejection (at least I did). We hope against hope that there will be some kind of feedback. Of course, agents have no responsibility or time for that matter to individualize their responses. We grumble, cry, mutter our expletives and move on (or should). But not today!

For a shot at having your query and first five pages critiqued by my illustrious agent, Nathan Bransford, you get to craft that snarky, witty reply back to the agent in response to their rejection of your query. I only ask that you keep this in the spirit of the fun and entertainment it is meant to be. I will delete any comments that are purposefully hateful or mean-spirited. While we may think that on occasion after the upteenth form rejection, you must craft that into something a tad more creative and fun here. While flat out death threats will be deleted, that’s not to say you can’t come up with a creative method of payback that won’t set off the “delete now” alarms. So, here are the official rules (subject to change of course):

  1. No more than 100 words (I have to read all of these, so let’s help maintain my sanity here).
  2. While expletives are allowed, remember the spirit in which this is being done. If your tone is clearly mean-spirited or spiteful, your post will be deleted.
  3. The contest will run through the weekend. On monday the 18th, I’ll post the top ten (if we get less than 50 responses to the contest, it’ll be top 5).
  4. You all will then have until 11 p.m. on the 20th to vote. Top vote wins the prize, announced on the 21st.

 

Good Luck! And have fun with this people. Here’s your chance to craft that perfect reply.

Next post: Haunted Sites of the World #1

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201 responses to “The Great Kick-off the Blog Query Rejection Rant Contest

  1. Thanks to all for participating in my little contest. A lot of funny and creative responses here, which I hope none of you plan to actually ever use.

  2. Dear Agent,

    My name’s Dr. Frank. I’m writing about the rejection letter received by our patient at the Frank and Stein institute for violently insane criminals. I don’t wish to alarm you, but it seems he hasn’t returned from yesterdays day pass.

    Our Arthur, not Author, claims you’ve misspelled his name. He’s easily recognizable at 203 centimeters and 320 pounds. We trust you’ll take precautions by removing sharp, breakable office objects, including pens, letter openers, windows and interns.

    For your safety, I’ve included his medication, which he takes rectally.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Frank

    • Sorry I reposted this because in the orginal way below I wrote safely instead of safety.

      I’m now using the Amercian spelling of safety which we spell as safely here in Canada.

  3. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your rejection letter as it was the last one I needed to complete my latest book, REJECTION FROM REJECTS which my agent signed for six figures at auction.
    This project presented a challenge, because my fake query for The Vampire Dentist vs The Werewolf Barber kept getting requests for fulls with agents writing ‘What a cutting fresh bite at the genre.’

    I had to rethink my strategy and present a normal solid concept which quickly racked up the 250 rejections I needed. Once again I couldn’t have done it without your subjectiveness.

    Thanks,
    Don

  4. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your rejection letter as it was the last one I needed to complete my latest book, REJECTION FROM REJECTS which my agent signed for six figures at auction.

    This project presented a challenge, because my fake query for The Vampire Dentist vs The Werewolf Barber kept getting requests for fulls with agents responding ‘Wow, what a fresh look at the genre.’

    I had to rethink my strategy and present a normal solid concept which quickly racked up the 250 rejections I needed.

    Once again I couldn’t have done it without your subjectiveness.

    Thanks,
    Don

  5. re: rejected query

    Maybe Other Transmittals Have Elicited Repartee Formally Underscoring Contrary Kindless Emotional Responses,

    but none more heartfelt than this one, dear agent.

  6. I must express befuddlement that you rejected my manuscript, THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG: LIMERICK EDITION. While I understand you generally refuse poetry, this poignant tale of a mentally disabled soldier who communicates solely in da-DUM-da-DUM meter clearly fits your genres. Perhaps my wife’s bagpipe accompaniment for the audio version will sway you.
    My re-enactment troop, Artillery Division 301, plans to visit your offices. Our Captain, Old Burnsides, is fond of my book and has committed “to storming that bastard’s walls.” Mr. Burnsides is quite handy with the bayonet, and you should find his cannon strategies refreshing.

    Artistically Yours,
    Ulysses

  7. Dear Mr. Bransford:
    I am a big fan of your informative and creative blog. While I understand that writers should conserve their words, I was nonetheless startled to receive your rejection of my manuscript via Twitter. You simply wrote:

    “Oh, Paul. Your story has no plot or voice. Need a muse? Look to my hair. I am Nathan, and I am saying ‘No’.”

    I do thank you for reviewing my submission. However, I was unaware that agents preferred being the inspiration for the books they represent. With that in mind, hopefully you will better relate to my next manuscript, titled: Nathan Wonderford, His Cool Hair, and the Big Space Kaboom.

    Cordially,

    Paul S.

  8. Dear Agent,
    My heart stopped when I received your “not for me” reply to my query letter.
    I thought it was pretty ingenious of you to reply using ASCII code, given that my novel is Science Fiction. Thankfully, I read your message loud and clear.
    I knew the ASCII Hex translation for “not for me” was =6e 6f 74 20 66 6f 72 20 6d 65 and that the sum of the decimal equivalent to those number was =20. The other reply that adds to 20 when I follow the same thought process is….what for it….what for it…“for me”.

    • Dear Agent,
      My heart stopped when I received your “not for me” reply to my query letter.
      I thought it was pretty ingenious of you to reply using ASCII code, given that my novel is Science Fiction. Thankfully, I read your message loud and clear.
      I knew the ASCII Hex translation for “not for me” was =6e 6f 74 20 66 6f 72 20 6d 65 and that the sum of the decimal equivalent to those number was =20. The other reply that adds to 20 when I follow the same thought process is….wait for it….wait for it…“for me”.

  9. Dear Agent-

    I didn’t want to brag too much in my query letter. But because you called me “delusional”, it seems I should tell you that my YA novel is backed by some famous friends. Here are just a few quotes:

    “I’m seriously considering leaving Bella Swan for Ms. Author’s protagonist.” Edward Cullen, Twilight

    “Ms. Author’s battle scenes make mine with Lord Voldemort seem amateur.” Harry Potter, Harry Potter

    “I could kick some ass with Ms. Author’s main character.” Katniss Everdeen, Hunger Games

    Clearly, dear agent, it is you, not me who is delusional.

    Ms. Author

  10. I saw other doubles, so figured it was okay. 🙂 Anyway, thought of another one.

    Dear Agent,

    My horoscope this morning said: “To accomplish your dream, you have to take the bull by the horns and refuse to take no for an answer.”

    I know! Clearly it’s a sign. So I’m writing to give you an opportunity to reconsider. I also took the liberty of looking up your horoscope–you’re a Virgo, right?–and it turns out that “Your next big opportunity is knocking on the door.” I mean, whoa, right?

    It’s like a limited time offer, only 24 hours to act, so I’ll be stopping by this afternoon. Is one good for you?

  11. Dear Sinner,
    In my recent query – the one hastily rejected – I refrained from bragging about past credits. The other sections should’ve been enough to have you praying for an exclusive.
    Although I admit, I wasn’t the author of my last book, all words were mine. And yes, it was successful; maybe the most successful. Reading between the lines now, genius?
    You aren’t the best judge of talent, but apparently even I can’t get published anymore without connections. Notice the lightning outside? Don’t worry, though, I can calm any storm. I suggest you reconsider!
    Resisting urge to smite thee,
    Joe Hovah

  12. Dear number one Agent,

    Please too telling me rejections no correct. Why you not liking book on most popular Russian marriage sites. My boss former KGB Major Sergei Cutyorheadoff says is not pleasing him.

    He says you big shit lives in New York should knows what word Mafia is meaning. Thats ok by us big shits cause email also be sending to regional New York office. No taking longtime till salesmen making visit on you.

    So how you doing now big shit. We talk USofA talk you changing rejections yes. Please you worrying we not forgotting about it.

    Me Boris.

  13. Dear Agent,

    Wow! You know, at first, I wasn’t so sure about you, but now I know, you’re the one for me. It’s just, you’ve got such a great sense of humor! When you said, “I do not feel that I could be the best advocate for your work,” I almost died laughing. “The project you describe does not suit our list at this time,” had me literally gasping for breath, and “Yours is not exactly what I am looking for?” Really? I could’ve sworn that was a Will Ferrell quote!

    But seriously, what did you think of my novel?

  14. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your rejection letter.

    I have evaluated it and regrettably, I have come to the conclusion that you are an idiot. There is no need to step aside. Since I must be highly selective about the agents I pursue, it is important that I respect my future agent. I encourage you to continue reading query letters. This is a subjective business, and perhaps one day you will be able to ascertain the difference between a good pitch and your ass, but until then I wish you the best of luck.

    Sincerely…

  15. Dear Agent,

    I have received your rejection and would like to thank you for taking the time to read my query and sample pages.

    Having said that, I realize I forgot to mention in my query that I currently work as a private investigator which adds real world knowledge to my story. It also gives me knowledge that the woman you were out with a few weeks ago was not your wife.

    And I have pictures.

    I feel that it may be in your best interests to reconsider my novel.

    Sincerely,
    Author

  16. Dear L. Marie,

    Thank you for your query. I apologize for the delayed in our response, but due to the volume of unsolicited queries I am surprised I had time to read yours!

    Unfortunately, I am very afraid that I must pass on your novel. It does sound appealing but we are just too busy to take on any unpublished writers at this time.

    Don’t be discouraged, someone somewhere will find the time to actually ready this great story of yours and take you on as their client. Good Luck finding them.

    Sincerely,

  17. I posted mine earlier, except I’ve decided to add a bit more, so disregard the previous entry from me. Here’s my (I’m sure) final entry:

    Dear Receiver of Second Chances:

    I’ve seen your rejection letter, and knowing you have a drinking problem, I have to assume you were under the influence when you sent it to me. No matter. I will resend the query without the vodka this time, and you can try again. You’re welcome.

    Also, I expect an apology for not letting things go my way the first time.

  18. Dear Mr. Watchamacallit,

    It is my bloody delectation to receive yet another rejection from you. You represent the lot of all agents who have rejected my work, gleefully and mercilessly. No, I’m not bitter. I don’t cry. I am not crushed. I just want to scream that I won’t be deceived! How gullible and naïve I was to read your every word as if these words meant for me alone. Then on black and white, you have to point out the impersonal nature of your rejection. Okay, so I cried and I was crushed, but I am now a sadder but wiser girl.

    Indomitably yours,

    Diem Tran

  19. Who is this? How did you get this email address? I know I didn’t query you, because you sent me a rejection letter. My email account is very sophisticated, and I have set it to reject all query rejections, return to sender.

    Obviously, you’re new. It’s okay. We’ve all been there. Here’s how it works: writers (me) send agents (you) query letters, and you pick one. Sort of like speed-dating.

    You must have worked really hard to bypass my security and gain my personal attention. I respect that. Attached is my full manuscript. In the future, you can just ask.

  20. Thank you kind sir for your recent rejection.

    I am somewhat nonplussed as to the reasoning behind your terse dismal of my current project. I firmly believe that there is enormous commercial potential for a story featuring a aging hippie vampire named Lestat and his North Korean midget vampire sidekick, Louis.

    Your formulaic response that this story, the characters and the entire premise of my project has been done already, is insulting in the extreme.

    Further. I take great offense at your assertion that I am not who I say I am. I have been who I say I am for fourteen weeks, eight days, four hours and thirty-two minutes. And I have the receipts from Doctor Presto-Chango to prove it.

    Sincerely,

    Ann Bubba Rice

  21. Thank you for your rejection letter. Unfortunately, I do not think form rejections are right for me.

    I receive so many of them that it is not possible for me to reply in detail on an individual basis. As such you and all others are receiving my form response. Take the time to hand craft a personal rejection letter and feel free to resubmit at any time. I appreciate your opinion and wish you success in your publishing career.

    Cordially,

    Busy Writer

  22. Dear Agent who must just be getting started in this business,

    Two weeks. That’s all. Two weeks to reject the hard work of the last five years of my life. Really? Are you sure you have the qualifications for this business? Did you even read my middle grades-young adult cross-over novel that, at 149,000 words is an easy read for those who like futuristic dystopian fantasy novels with realistic characters? I thought not. Perhaps, once you’re better settled in this industry, you’ll realize your mistake and request a full.

    Until then,
    The Future Best-selling Author

  23. (disclosure: this is my 2nd entry, using a different name, hope it does not violate contest rules)

    From: General Counsel
    To: Agent
    Re: Forward: offer from Random House

    Clive,
    pls. advise how you want to handle below:

    Dear Sir;

    to avoid violating your cease and desist letter, I am contacting you on behalf of my husband. Please rest assured, he is no longer contacting publishers using Clive’s name and proof was faxed to your office re: closing of the CliveWiggins3rd@gmail account.

    The dilemma we have is my husband used Clive’s email to submit his M/S to Random House 3 months prior to your C & D letter, and they have called to offere a mid 6 figure deal. Could you check if Clive has any interest? Please convey my husband has no hard feelings about Clive’s previous form rejection and subsequent legal actions.

    Christine M.

    P.S.
    sorry for this posting twice in a row

  24. (disclosure: this is my 2nd entry, using a different name, hope it does not violate contest rules)

    From: General Counsel
    To;

  25. Dear Agent,

    In response to your recent personal query rejection, I’ve great news. It reinforced my feelings of incompetence and doom. Going forward, I’m aware that any attempt at success is indeed fruitless. Therefore, I’ve dismissed ambition and will never try again.

    Your recent personal query rejection makes the idea of holding my breath to drown in my bathtub, that much easier. I can’t thank you enough.

    Sheila Cull

  26. Thank you for your consideration and your time. Wait. Let me stop a minute for both of us. Time is very valuable, really. We don’t have enough in any one lifetime. Time to create, time to love, time to change the world. But art isn’t really about time is it? It’s something quite different that lives in the heart of time.

  27. Dear Mr. Agent,

    It’s been twenty-seven days, eight hours and forty-five minutes since I received your form rejection. I’m certain there has to be some sort of server error with your email provider. However, all my messages have gone unanswered and something has to be wrong with your blog because my comments seem to disappear.

    This is absolutely your last chance before I move on to all the other agents interested in representing my novel. This time I mean it … LAST CHANCE!

    Call me.

  28. Dear Dream Killer … I mean … Agent of my dreams,

    Your letter was in my in-box, right where the road map to my future was supposed to be. I still believe we are destined to shine in the spotlight of my best-seller together. Perhaps if you knew how many years went into polishing my manuscript to a glistening jewel, you would see the error of your ways. Maybe if you had an inkling of the months of research it took to anoint you as the agent of choice; the pinnacle of all things literary; the measuring stick of publishing worthiness; you would reconsider. At the very least, be a little more original. I’ve already been told my book is not right for the twenty agents I queried before you.

    Sincerely,

    Your Future Client

  29. Dear Ms. Agent,

    Thank you for your quick reply to my query letter. Since my last correspondence I have developed a fully grown ten pound baby in my womb, delivered said baby without pain medication, and endured countless sleepless nights feeding and changing my newest creation. Had you replied earlier I never would have found the confidence to know that I could craft “the next best thing” all by myself after all. I mean, my husband doesn’t even qualify as an intern.

    Yours Truly,

    Marcy B.

  30. Agent Dick Wad:

    Seriously! Form letter reject?

    I’m the next big thing, definitely better than that Harry Potter writer chick. I crafted the perfect query, just for you. I trolled lurked on all the agent’s blogs: Nathan Bransford, etc. etc. Even read those shitty queries on the Shark-bite’s site. Those agents said don’t do this, and I DIDN’T! I followed everyone’s flippin’ guidelines. So…WTF!! It must be you! Did your minion forget your coffee…Prozac? Or, are you still pissed that you were one of the brainless agents that rejected that Harry Potter writer chick?

    I said, “Pimp my novel”, not reject my novel.

    Seriously!

    Signed,
    Screw U. Tou

  31. It’s hilarious that these letters are virtually all the same: “I’m angry. You’re stupid. Soon I’ll be rich. You suck at your job.” The last part is the funniest, seeing as how it’s addressed to one of the most successful agents in the business. Classic.

  32. Dear Mr. Bransford,

    Thank you for your kind rejection, but I know the real reason you turned me away, and it’s a shame that you’ve decided to represent Midnight Sun instead of THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.

    I’ll get a 7 figure advance for this masterpiece, and you’ll be stuck blogging with Twilight moms.

    And frankly dear, I don’t give a damn.

    Good day!

  33. Dear Mr. Bransford,

    Truthfully, I only sent you my query because my friend JN asked me to give you a shot. According to him you are losing your touch and really need a sale. Too much surfing, not enough working, perhaps? I’m relieved that you passed on it because my book is women’s fiction and you sir, are no woman.

    When you lose your job give me a call. I may need a personal assistant.

  34. Dear Mr. Bransford,

    Thank you for your kind rejection letter. I appreciate the time you spent in crafting such a personalized letter.

    If it would not be too much to ask, since you suggested it’s not quite right, could you provide me with a full critique of my novel? LIne-by-line is not necessary; a few words per page would be fine.

    Also, since you spent so much time with other agents, could you take a minute to suggest a few that might be a better fit? Fifteen should be plenty.

    Thanks again!

    Cindy

  35. Dear Mr. Bransford,

    Thank you so much for your kind rejection letter. I appreciated all the individualized feedback it offered. If it’s not too much to ask, would you consider doing a full critique so that I may improve it. Line by line is not necessary. A few words per page would be wonderful.

    I was also hoping that since you hang out with other agents you could make me a list of other agents that might be more interested in my work. I’m sure it would just take a couple minutes for you to suggest the perfect match for me.

    Thanks again!
    Cindy

  36. Dear Mr. Bransford,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond back to my query letter. I have to say however, I am quite disappointed that you declined to read my manuscript, especially after I took such great efforts to kiss up to you. For instance, when I wrote that I too hate the Lakers, I didn’t even know who the Lakers were and what sport they play. I’m Canadian…eh! All we watch up here is hockey. So if it’s not played on ice, with toothless men wearing skates, sporting mullets (“business in the front – party in the back hairdos“) and pounding the crap out of each other, it’s not worth watching! And don’t get me started on the lack of alcohol content in your American beers!

    I’ll have you know, Mr. Bransford, my neighbour (and yes the proper way to spell neighbour is ‘our’ not ‘or’ like you Americans seem to think!) absolutely LOVED my query letter. And he happens to be a well read individual. He spends most of his days reading -especially now that he’s under house arrest for growing marijuana. Who could’ve known that it’s legal to smoke marijuana here in Canada but apparently it’s not legal to grow it.

    And by the way, when I wrote in my query letter that my son has the same surfer hairdo as you, I failed to mention that he’s 8 years old! You may want to consider changing your hairdo…dude! Did I mention the mullet?

    Sincerely,
    Sofia
    (p.s. I just completed another novel. It’s about an Angel. I think you’ll like it. I’ll be in touch!)

  37. Dear Agent,

    My name’s Dr. Frank. I’m writing about the rejection letter received by our patient at the Frank and Stein institute for violently insane criminals. I don’t wish to alarm you, but it seems he hasn’t returned from yesterdays day pass.

    Our Arthur, not Author, claims you’ve misspelled his name. He’s easily recognizable at 203 centimeters and 320 pounds. We trust you’ll take precautions by removing sharp, breakable office objects, including pens, letter openers, windows and interns.

    For your safely, I’ve included his medication, which he takes rectally.

    Sincerely,
    Dr. Frank

  38. Dear Illustrious and Enlightened Literary Agent,

    At seven words, your rejection letter is too short, so I sending it back for revision. I want the final draft to contain at least 25 words and each one will be checked for proper spelling and grammar.
    Furthermore, I expect that your second attempt at writing a rejection notice to take only seven days instead of seven weeks. And by chance, you are baffled as to how to write an entertaining and constructive rejection, you can check my post on the subject here.
    I could elaborate further, but the Patriots are on TV and my neighbor, Stephen King, just showed up with pizza and beer,.

    Truly yours,

    The forever, ubiquitous,

    Hans J. Merkle

  39. Dear Sir,

    Please accept with my condolences this thesaurus. It must grieve you, lacking the faculty to brainstorm a more apt word for “rejected”. I only hope you make good use of the enclosed reference so future aspiring writers might not suffer at the hands of your inadequate verbiage. In it, you will find a vast lexicon that tickles the imagination. Words such as “defenestrated” and “eradicated” communicate your purposes more clearly. If all else fails, quote a well-liked movie: “I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request.” And that, my friend, is how you write a rejection.

    Candidly,
    Author K
    katrina(dot)lantz(at)gmail(dot)com

  40. Dear Agent,

    Well it’s too bad you’re out of the office for two days. You see, I just sent you my manuscript. This baby only took two weeks to write, it’s over 120,000 words. I can make you lots of money with that supersonic writing speed. This has best seller potential and since time is money, you’ll miss out. I have no doubt agents will be fighting over me by the end of today. I was only going to ask for a $200,000 advance – peanuts for what it’s really worth.

    Toodle loo,
    So sad for you.

    Signed,
    MegaMoney Man

  41. Dear Agent,

    You have put me in a foul, foul mood. I found myself Googling “how to stop yelling at your kids” yesterday. I blame you fully. The disintegration of my happy home is at stake here. Do you want to be responsible for that? Well, do you?

    Sorry, I got a little out of control there. Don’t worry, I’m now snapping a rubber band against my wrist every time I think of you and how you’re “not the right fit” for me. I’m told after the red welt forms I’ll be all better.

    Best (I’m not using the more formal “Sincerely,” so suck on that),
    Author

  42. Dear Agent:

    I am interested in your appreciation of the opportunity to feel sorry for not being the right agent for my work. Do you mean you feel a sense of loss, regret, “good-for-nothing”, dejected, or even afraid that this book was not for you?

    Seeking representation for my literary work was never intended to cause such extreme emotion. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in representing the right writers. Happily, if my agent sells this project for $250,000 – their commission will be large enough to buy a Starfire Pearl 2011 Lexus GS 350 Sedan.

    Best,
    Guy

  43. You won’t take a middle grade project unless it blows your mind? Are you crazy? What about Harry Potter or that new book Jacob Wonder Kapow and the Space Bar? Hundreds of Millions of Copies Sold. In the void after the publication of Jacob Space Bar and the Kapow Wonder, you will wish you had Moira The Destroya to publish while the world waits for vampires to die. I AM GOING TO BE ON OPRAH! D’ya hear me? I am going to tell her that Nathan Whats his Name and several hundred other Whatever-Their-Names- were not taking middle grade fiction at this time. Sleep on that Mr. Bransford.

  44. Mister Hoity-Toity Agent (You know who you’re!!!!!)

    Thank you for your Wonderbar rejection. It’s such a shock to me, that I felt a Kapow right in my heart the moment I saw that nasty R-word. I find it completely baffling you’ve decided to pass on my novel, The Traitorous Agent’s Paranormal Secrets Volume One: Sparkles and Fangs. Maybe you’ll flash sideways, in a great Cosmic payback, and in the Space-time continuum you’ll see how egregious this mistake was.

    Could this reply be my ticket to that coveted contract? (What? At least, I didn’t begin with a rhetorical question.)

    ~C

  45. Its been three months since I sent you my query.
    I stalked you cybernetically until I am weary.

    Are you sure you don’t want me?
    Cuz in side I feel fury and your pay pal acct ends in one-thirty.

    Trick or Treat!

  46. (THANKS FOR A FUN CONTEST & COGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS!)

    Dear Agent,

    Apparently, one does not need the skills of a licensed proctologist to have one’s head removed from one’s ass. Your rejection helped me just fine. Of course, now I will be needing a new hat.

    Have a wonderful day.

  47. Dear Sir or Madam,

    You didn’t like my book, it took me years to write for you to overlook.
    My query tried to sell it, but you had to pass,
    I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

    I can’t summarise the novel in 400 words,
    and to pitch it in one line seems quite absurd.
    Can’t I just send you everything by overnight mail,
    cause I don’t like my job and I want to be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

    I said it’s 100,000 words give or take a few,
    but its more like 200 to be honest with you.
    It can be a trilogy if you like the style,
    And I can add a wizard cause I want to be a paperback writer.

    Paperback writer.

  48. Dear Agent,

    You rejected my book: YOU KNOW YOUR A WRITER WHEN–You start liking your mother-in-law because she wants to be a beta reader.

    I wonder if you wanted the opportunity to reject the sequel?

    YOU KNOW YOUR AN AGENT WHEN.

    Your Friday night bridge partners are the Grim Reaper, the Marquis de Sade and a rotating guest collections agent.

    You hand out your family rejection slips when they complain they’ve run out of toilet paper.

    You think Bill Thomson at Double Day went easy on Stephen King only rejecting his first four novels.

    Whatever,
    Don

  49. Dear Agent x

    In the months between sending you my query and receiving your reply, I RSS’ed your blog in anticipation of our future relationship. I distinctly remember reading the post where you said you have never regretted passing on a project, and so I’d like to give you the advice you did not give me: one day soon, it will happen.

    Sincerely,

    Fading Optimism.

  50. Dear Sir,

    I’m sorry, but your rejection letter is not right for me. While you conveyed the necessary information, you used a hundred words where one would do. Rejections are negative, like a notice that Mom has died. Why start on a positive note? I know you’d rather have Ebola than my query, and should the pound thank you for participating when they gas Fluffy? Also, the deceptive “Thank you for thinking of us” is cliché. Using it in official correspondence sets a bad example. For sanity’s sake, just say “no”.

    This is a form response.

  51. Dear Denied,

    You wouldn’t be such a powerful agent if your best clients were turned back into slushpile contenders. But if you had read my query for BETTY AND THE MAGIC PEN OF BESTELLERS you’d know that that’s precisely what could happen. The pen giveth and taketh away. One zap of Betty’s magic pen and you’re representing hopelessly aspirational neophytes who troll publishing blogs.

    I control Betty’s pen.

    Care to reread my query?

    — Betty

  52. Dear Uber-Agent,

    Despite being known as “the Jackal,” your personalized rejection letter has been the kindest, most respectful rejection I have received to-date. I do wish to apologize for what was, in hind-site, a misguided attempt by a first-time query writer. It was ill-advised, indeed, to open my query with that eloquent quote of yours about your sex life. Nor should I have let my naiveté and convictions spur me on to write that ill-fated paragraph exhorting you to throw your incredible power within the industry behind my traditional Regency romance to re-engineer the salvation of the romance genre. I am most grateful my missteps didn’t end up on your blog to be mocked. You have been more than gracious and fore-bearing. Others may call you “the Jackal,” but to me, you will always be a harmless Puppy.

  53. Dear Agents:

    I could buy a spot on your pitch workshops, so you can teach me to query in genres you
    don’t even sell anymore. I can prove I read your blogs and know your authors, including those
    responsible for some of the worst writing outside of Remedial English or, possibly, fan fiction.

    I’ll keep writing, instead, and hope I survive until e-publishing puts you out of business.

  54. Dear [Agent],

    I was very unhappy to receive a rejection letter in conjunction with my manuscript, which appeared to have been written in cobalt blue Crayola crayon. May I politely suggest that you may wish to hire an assistant with a college degree, since your current intern appears to operate on a second grade reading level? Anyone who crosses out the word “inexplicably” several times along with a scribble that it is “too long” does not belong in the publishing business.

    Thank you once again for your time.
    Sincerely, but irately,
    [Author]

  55. Dear Agent,
    Thank you for the quick response to my query, even though it was computer formatted and generated.
    Hopefully, in the future, my submissions will receive a more “human” deliberation before being non-considered.

    On a more personal note – – Are you and Dad still coming over for Thanksgiving?

  56. Dear Mr. Agent,

    After many rejections and much deliberation, I decided I am starting a revolution – an uprising, if you will. I will lead the writers of the world in reversing the current paradigm in the agent-writer relationship. No longer will it be the writer’s job to research the agent; decifering cryptic submission guidelines or in what way they can kiss the said agent’s ass are things of the past. Instead the agent will query writers seeking representation.

    This is just the beginning. No agent is safe. Mwwaaaahahaha!

    Crazy Writer

  57. Dear Agent,

    My characters weep
    Their story rebuffed, unread
    You’re not right for them

    Sincerely,
    G. S.

  58. Agent:

    Even though you elected to pass on my novel, “Whatever Goes Round”, I wanted to assure you that, unlike Michael Jordan, who always told people about the high school coach who didn’t think he was good enough to play basketball, I won’t mention your lack of ability to spot talent when accepting the Barnes & Noble Discover Award for excellence, which I am certain to win in the near future.

    If you realize you ‘dropped the ball’, I may still be available to take you on as my agent, provided you contact me very, very, very soon.

    Sincerely,
    Writer

  59. Dear Agent,

    Since it’s been a year since I sent you my query, I’m resending. This is a multiple submission to agents who are members of something called the AAR. You might find their website useful in helping you sell my book.

    Literary agent IS AN oxymoron LIVING in New York. BUT WHEN she rejects the manuscript of BRILLIANT UNKNOWN WRITER (BUW), he MUST JOURNEY to the nation’s highest peak AND grovel before LITERARY AGENT in her white-on-white 190th floor penthouse IN ORDER TO find representation AND someone to fix his book. Finally, BUW makes a choice: follow literary agent’s contradictory advice on writing queries or finish writing Catch 22 1/2.

  60. Dear Agent That Rejected Me (not just my manuscript, do you have no pity?):

    You said my manuscript, my baby, was just not for you. How could that be? It is exactly what you like! Middle grade, historical, humorous. Once you get to page fifty my manuscript is very humorous! We like the same books, we both own chinchillas. You know I’m even Irish. Don’t all agents need one Irish author for St. Patrick’s Day? We could have been a perfect match. But I will get a better agent in the end.

    Sincerely,

    An ever more desperate writer: Call me, home, work, cell, any time night or day, or just a little e-mail.

  61. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for informing me you are unable to offer representation at this time. Would another time work better for you?

    I also understand that my novel is not the right fit for you. Hence, might I suggest laying off the donuts and soda pop. A new and trim you may just be able to squeeze into my book someday.

    And while you are forced to be “extremely selective” when considering new clients, I must say I am the same way when it comes to selecting agents. Subsequently, I don’t get why you’re being so picky. I’m not.

    • Dear Agent:

      Thank you for destroying my hopes and dreams while simultaneously complimenting my ‘witty dialog.’ That seems contradictory but I am used to it.
      I understand that you felt my manuscript was similar to other books out there. I just wanted you to know that they all copied off me first!! I have several copyright lawsuits against these nefarious plagiarists.
      When I win the lawsuits (if my lawyer ever calls me back after that ‘thanks but no thanks letter) I will be so rich you will wish you took a chance to read my book.
      I am convinced that these authors also belong to the club that is secretly plotting my ruin. My sources say that you too may be a part of this group. Are your meetings still every other Thursday?
      Well, enjoy the cookies and punch they serve because pretty soon I will have the last laugh.
      Sincerely,
      Delusional
      PS we have better swill to drink than cheap punch from Dixie cups at my secret anti-agent club meetings. We have Kool-aid!

  62. Agent,

    Your rejection of my novel shows a marked lack of insight into today’s teen audience. In the vein of the Motley Fool meets the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, my book could have been your most viable commercial success in decades – America’s youth scrambles to watch Glee on TV but needs guidance in these tough economic times. YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON’S HOT! Instead, I’ll have to bankroll my own millions and self-publish.

    I’d publically bemoan the publishing industry’s interest in all things vapid and vampire, but for now I’ll just go walk the dog.

    Regards,
    Writer

  63. Dear Nathan (May I call you Nate? You sound like a Nate to me.)

    I know you don’t like my book. Hell, I don’t even like it. But that doesn’t matter. You can publish some loser. I wanted to know if we could meet some time. Just you and me. I’m waiting outside right now. Then we can discuss my new project. I really like that shirt you’re wearing btw.

    Oh yeah, my new book is about stalkers. I’m not a stalker though. It’s about that time me and my ex broke up and he said that he wanted me to stop following him. So I beat him with a pole. I won’t beat you with a pole though if you don’t like my new book. You said my last one wasn’t for you so I looked at your other, Like The Secret Year, and decided to name my new ms, The Secret Stalker. You likey? I like it to.

    Psst, don’t worry I just turned 18. I’m legal. Hope you like my new ms. Oh and you letter last time seemed a lot like the one you sent me before.

    Huggles and Kissies,
    Crazy Jailbait Author

  64. Dear Sir or Madam:

    I have a very good friend who recently received his doctorate in alternative religious theory on-line and he has graciously volunteered his services in providing, absolutely free of charge, an actual legal wedding ceremony for your parents.

    Sincerely,
    Chuck

  65. Muffin-
    It was lovely having you home for Thanksgiving. I know how busy you are with your new job. Taking the time out to come down to the homestead was really thoughtful, Dad couldn’t stop talking about it.
    I am a little confused though- when you suggested I submit my holiday cookbook to you, because you “couldn’t think of my recipes not making it to the masses”, I thought you loved my cooking. But after reading your form letter and the words “unpalatable”, I wonder if we should just have Christmas dinner at Denny’s.
    Love, Mom
    (you bring the wine)

  66. Dear Agent:
    Thank you for your response to my submission. I understand no means no, but this is ridiculous. While the envelope is attractive (excellent choice in stamps and exquisite penmanship) it is empty. I write mystery, and I love me a good red herring or two, and invisible ink I understand, but invisible paper?
    Yours sincerley,
    Frustrated Writer

  67. Agent:

    I am in receipt of your rejection of my memoir, “I’ll Shave in the Morning.” When I read your response, I said: “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

    If I were playing myself in the eventual movie, the camera would have zoomed into my mouth onto my violently trembling uvula. I’m told that my uvula is somewhat elongated these days. It must be some kind of funky infection.

    Enjoy your lunch,

    Writer

  68. Dear Agent:

    I appreciate your timely response to my query and I’m flattered that you like my idea. It’s true; I’m pretty great. Certainly you’ve never before experienced the subtle brilliance that is my prose. Some say it is like DeLillo meets Austen. I won’t disagree. And of course I can see why you think we wouldn’t be a good fit. Frankly, you are kind of boring. I’ve checked your twitter and facebook updates and find them uninspired. No one cares that you are excited for the new Grey’s Anatomy.

    Good luck in finding more boring writers!

    Best, ABC

  69. Dear Agent,

    I received your rejection form letter today. I want you to know that it was very unhelpful that you have given me so much positive feed back and yet you have rejected my work.

    You insist that I keep writing and that this business is very subjective, yet you rejected me. I wish you would make up your mind, did you like it or not? Because last I check you can’t have it both ways. Sugar coating a rejection is still a rejection. You can at least give an answer why you are rejecting.

  70. Dear Mean Agent,

    Thank you for the witty form rejection letter from your intern. It’s made me realize the futility of my life.

    Therefore, I’ve decided to hurl myself from the nearest bridge. Since it will take some time to perish – as the nearest bridge is ornamental in nature, and the water only a foot deep – you have time to find me should change your mind about my manuscript. You can locate me amongst the ducks, as I slowly die of water intoxication and mosquito bites.

    For my next project, I’ll be busy crafting a sequel on the backs of lily pads.

    Soggily Yours,
    Larry

  71. Dear Agent,

    Thanks for your detailed reply. I’m disappointed my response to your request for a partial failed on so many levels. However, in your salutation, you called me the wrong name, and the book title you referred to wasn’t mine. I’ve never written an erotic urban fantasy, either, but perhaps my paranormal could fit that category at a stretch. Without the erotic part. And minus the urban setting as mine is set in the outback of Australia.

    All things considered, could there be the slightest, itsy bitsy chance you’ve responded to the wrong query? Could happen to anyone. Btw, is there any chance I could read that manuscript you thought was mine? If the author wouldn’t mind? I liked the sound of a story that was deep and motionless, especially the ‘dry, dusty dialogue’ and the ‘weird, wilted willies’ that were the characters. Nice turns of phrase, btw.

    Yours sincerely.

  72. Dear Agent,
    My profuse apologies. I sent my query to you by mistake. At this time I am only submitting to those with warm blood, opposable thumbs, and less hair than Justin Bieber.
    If you can sound out these words, keep up the good work! Someday you may actually evolve.
    Not yours and never will be,
    Author

  73. Dear Agent,

    Typically I reply to e-mail query rejections with a polite and courteous, “Thank you for your consideration,” and wish the agency luck. As you know, this is a speculative business, and one man’s coffee is another man’s cliché.

    However, because your rejection letter today was addressed to: “Dear Author” after I took the time to research your agency and made sure I sent my query addressed to an actual person by name, I felt it was only fair for me to respond. Like you, I am very busy, but had I quickly ripped off a form query letter and sent it to you addressed to “Dear Agent,” I’m sure you would have rejected my query without even taking the time to read it. I think I deserve the same respect from you that you require from me. I’m glad I discovered beforehand that this is your level of professionalism.

    So, rather than saying, “Thank you for your consideration,” I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for rejecting me.

    Sincerely,

    Author

  74. [Agent sends rejection]

    Dear Agent,

    Thanks for the rejection! I’ll send along the manuscript anyway. Oh, and if you reject that, it’s totally fine. It’s not like I’m a professional hacker who’ll send along viruses if I get angry. Oh, no.

    Sincerely,
    Thalia

    P.S. If your computer shuts down and breaks immediately after you send a full request, I’m really, really sorry.

  75. Agent,

    I am so sorry to do this to you. I’ll save you the trouble of rejecting me.

    My therapist says I have trust issues, commitment issues, you name it.
    Don’t take this all wrong. The time we spent together will always be special. I keep the headshot from your blog above my bed, and the font and margin advice you gave? It will always hold meaning.

    Don’t despair. Maybe you’ll hear from me in the future when I feel ready to receive a rejection from you, and become just another author in your little black iPhone.

    Anonymous

  76. Agent,

    I am so sorry to do this to you. I will save you the trouble of rejecting me.

    My therapist says I have trust issues, commitment issues, you name it.
    Don’t take this badly. The time we spent together will always be special. I keep the headshot from your blog above my bed, and the font and margin advice you gave? It will always hold meaning.

    Don’t despair. Maybe you will hear from me in the future. Perhaps when I feel ready to receive a rejection from you, and become just another author in your little black iPhone.

    Anonymous

  77. Dear Agent

    This is an automated email reply. I am currently out of the office, possibly naked, probably drunk.

    I must say, thank you for your succinct rejection email. I am assuming, of course, that it is a rejection you sent me and that it is duly succinct, because I am not here to read it as you can no doubt tell.

    You see, I have decided to build my own publishing house out of all these rejection slips. It will be called Papier Mache Publishing and I will have all the ISBN numbers (is that right? ISB numbers?) in the world. So when you want one, well hahahahaha guess who’ll be the schmuck then.

    It will be you.

    Just in case you didn’t get that part.

    Yours succinctly,
    Author

  78. Dear Agent,
    Thank you for your letter- deliberately not including my name or my book title, was a nice touch.
    You said you hoped the manuscript would find a home. Great! I hope that too because I’ve told my friends I’ve written a bestseller and I’ve left my job . . .
    I’ve spent years on this book. Now it’s your turn. Take a few hours to actually read the manuscript and send me an acceptance letter. High fives all round!
    I’ll give you a cut of my profits . . .oh, wait, I have to do that anyway.

  79. Dear agent,

    I apologize for the delay in my response; unfortunately your subject line of “Query Rejection” didn’t make it past my spam filter.

    I wanted to thank you (or your anonymous intern) for passing on my work. Between my manuscript submissions, job applications, and online dating subscriptions, I find I am becoming impervious to rejection. Thanks for doing your part.

    I also appreciate your irony of stating my manuscript “tells” instead of “shows,” without “telling” or “showing” me what you mean. Feel free to now to tweeting about subjects that are better left to fourteen-year-old girls.

  80. Dear Agent,

    Thank you. Thank you for helping me overcome three years of self delusion; three years I see now I wasted on a story I foolishly believed held not only deep significance for myself, but could also, somehow, have a place amongst the crowded shelves of the nearest Borders. What was I thinking? And to think you were able to see the pointlessness of it all in only a condensed version of the plot and a three paragraph attempt to sell its themes and conflict. Truly I am in your debt.

    My only regret was that I did not seek your insight sooner, for now I fear, it is too late for me. Having come this far, I see no other way but forward. Like an alcoholic looking at the concerning results of a liver test, I know now that I am doomed, yet cannot resist another drink. I can only hope that the next agent has the same critical eye as you, so that I can once again be confronted with the reality I refuse to believe.

    Sincerely,

    Author.

  81. Dear Agent:

    Thank you for your encouraging rejection letter.

    Letter-schmetters; rejections-schmections, I can take it I’m tough. I’ll query ’til I’m old, ’til the skin falls from my bones, ’til the hair falls from my head, and ’til my funeral director publishes my obituary which reads, “She died querying,” and my epitaph says, “Here she lies, her manuscripts within, she queried all the way to the end. Should you desire to publish her soon, just dig her up on the next full moon.”

    I just hope St. Peter doesn’t require a query letter, so I can get in.

  82. Dear Agent:

    Thank you for your timely rejection. I have named your carrier pigeon Rolfie. Rolfie says you rejected my novel because you didn’t take your medication. I understand. The cat swallowed my last Seroquel. We still haven’t gotten it back (though we are waiting). So I can forgive you, even though you are rich and can afford all your anti-psychotic medications and have no excuse for disrespecting me or for lying to Rolfie and telling him you forgot. But Rolfie says if we meet in person, you’ll explain it was a mistake. I hope Tuesday is convenient for you.

  83. Dear Mr. Rowe,
    After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to publish any of my work. For the past 3 years, I have been particularly unfortunate in receiving a large number of rejection letters. Yours would be 139 to be exact. Despite Rowe Publishing’s brilliant qualifications and all that wonderful experience in rejecting aspiring authors, I find that your rejection merits a response. I will keep sending you fax; emails and letters every single day until you get sick of me. Better luck next time, in rejecting future authors to publish – they may give up, but I will not.

  84. deer ajint,

    thank yoo 4 yoor kynd ofer of reprisentation, butt im afrade i kant exept. given awl the compilaments yoo gaiv my wurk (“your plot is cliched, but your spelling is very creative”), i noe that the wurd “rejected” in yoor fyrst sentince wuz an unforchunit mystaik in tiping. if yoo didnt eevin prufreed yoor exeptince letur, how kan i trust yoo to prufreed my novil? pluss, maiking erurs lyk that in yoor riteing is gest embarusing.

    p.s. allso, yoo speld cleeshayed rong. gest seying.

  85. Lot of great, funny stuff here so far, everyone. Remember, this runs through sunday, so invite your friends to join in. Thank you all who’ve entered thus far.

    • To bad you limited the word count. I have a lovely 4000 wd. SS on this very subject on my blog right now! LOL “Query This Sucker, Memoirs of an Angry Author”. Great minds and all that…

  86. Dear Agent,

    I see what you mean about my book sounding too similar to a famous work about a boy wizard we all know and love. The truth is, it started out as a fanfic. I have a big following (Pen-name HarryDraco4eva), and a friend suggested I turn it into a novel, and I thought changing the names would be good enough. I guess having the story take place in Australia is still too similar?

    So what if I make it a school for vampires instead? I’ve got a great crossover-fic where the vampires are really demi-gods. Sounds great, huh?

  87. Thanks for sending The History of Moonshine. (You’re plum welcome!) I enjoyed the humor (I’s bumfuddled. Moonshining’s serious.) and the antics of your characters. (Them people’s my kinfolk—but I won’t tell Bubba what you said.) I don’t wish to represent you at this time. (Ain’t no need. God gave me a mouth and I’m athinking it works just fine.) So I am returning the manuscript to you, and wish you every success with it elsewhere. (And thank you kindly, sir. Getting a mite low on toilet paper.)

    P.S. Tweren’t a “success.” A mite too scratchy.)

    • (Rewrote it as an actual letter.)

      Dear Agent,
      I’m bumfuddled about you enjoying the humor in The History of Moonshine. Moonshining’s serious round these parts. You said you liked the antics of my characters. Them people’s my kinfolk. But Bubba needn’t know what you said. You says you don’t want to represent me at this time and I’m athinking there ain’t no need. God gave me a mouth that works just fine. Thank you kindly for returning the manuscript and wishing me every success with it elsewhere. We was getting a mite low on toilet paper.

      P.S. Tweren’t a “success.” Was a mite scratchy.

  88. Dear Agent,

    I’m sorry to hear my manuscript wasn’t the right fit for you. But I’m a little concerned. Did you read it or try it on?

    Since you thanked me for thinking of you, I should confess–I really wasn’t thinking of you. I have so many rejections to go through every day and honestly, I don’t remember sending you a query. You should think about working on your profile to make it stand out more. Add something to hook potential authors. Let me know when you’ve made these changes and I might consider being rejected by you again.

  89. Dear Agent,

    I’m sorry to hear my manuscript wasn’t the right fit for you. But I’m a little concerned. Did you try it on or read it?

    And since you thanked me for thinking of you, I should confess–I really wasn’t thinking of you. I have so many rejections to go through every day and honestly, I don’t remember sending you a query. Maybe you should think about working on your profile to make it stand out more. Add something to hook potential authors. Let me know when you’ve made these changes and I might consider being rejected by you again.

  90. Dear Agent

    There seems to be some sort of error.

    I don’t believe you could have read my 300,000-word fiction novel in the week since I sent the attachment. I know you only require a synopsis, but it’s impossible to condense a work of such complex complexity. I even used red font on a black background so you wouldn’t strain your eyes (also, the red is symbolic of the romance-suspense-fantasy-crime-steampunk-memoir-rural fiction genre of the novel – red being the colour of love, anger, and tomatoes.)

    Please send through an offer ASAP as I expect a bidding war to erupt shortly.

  91. Dear Agent,

    You recently sent a response to my query that I would like to discuss with you.
    Only a handful of agents have chosen to get back with me.
    Unlike the others your response of “not for me” let me know to move on.
    Some questions still linger, however.
    My writing is science fiction.
    Every client you have signed writes science fiction.
    Lots of those authors I base my writing style on.
    Like you said on your blog,
    Be sure to research!
    Anyway…
    Do let me know if you have any other thoughts and good luck in the future.

  92. Dear Agent,
    Ouch. What can I say? Rejection hurts, especially coming from you. We had so much going for us, so much chemistry, I just don’t understand where we went wrong. I bet it was my fault though. Just know, my dear agent, it’s not you… it’s me. I’m sure it was because my query wasn’t funny enough? Was my plot description too vague? I need to know where we went wrong, so that maybe, someday, we’ll be able to fix this. Anyways, even though things didn’t work out between us, I hope that we can still be friends. I’ll wait for you my beloved agent, I’ll wait.
    Love,
    your most devoted writer

  93. Query this Sucker!

    Thank you for rejecting my work. I agree you aren’t the right representative for my project.

    Can’t you agents decide on a one size fits all formula, or do you enjoying watching us navigate flaming hoops? In the time wasted picking font and type size, deciding if the query body should be double, single, or one and a half spaced, the pages attached or pasted and checking your tweets, you might have actually read my brilliant contemporary romance, Mutant Love, rather than deleting it due to a formatting error.

    I’m a writer, WTF do you do exactly?

  94. Dear Agent–
    I received your rejection and just wanted to tell you that I am not bitter. At all. I used to be bitter–vindictive, even–but the doctors said the anger had to go. So, I separated myself from my anger and named it “Ashley.” I am no longer Ashely, Agent, so you’re safe from me. I used to stalk agents who turned me down, watch them, wait for just the right moment . . . but not anymore. Ashley leaves me alone, as long as I let her do what she wants to.

    P.S.
    Ashley doesn’t like you.

  95. Dear Agent,

    See what I did there? See?? I don’t even have to tell you that this is a form rejection of your form rejection, because even though your said rejection clearly had your name at the bottom of it (much like my query letter did…), I will refer to you only as “Agent” so you feel even less human.

    Anywho, real sorry about this impersonal note (blah, blah, blah) but the sheer volume of Farmville requests and Penis Enlargement “correspondence” I receive on a daily basis makes it difficult for me to respond to you personally. Either way it seems obvious that you are entirely too busy for me. Strange. I even went out of my way to include the word “vampire” 17 times in a query that has nothing to do with vampires in the hopes that it would at least pique your interest and you might actually pay attention and do your job. Hell, I even spelled it “vampyre” once or twice, because, you know, I’m edgy. You agent types like that, right? Edgy stuff? Oh well.

    Its really a shame, too. I liked your terribly written rejection letter even more than I like your incredibly boring blog, and I was really looking forward to working with such a dynamic and creative individual. Whatever. You know what they say, those that can’t do, teach. And those that can’t teach become agents. Thank you for your time and energy.

    Suck it,

    Author.

  96. Dear Agent,

    Thanks for finally responding to that full manuscript request from 7 months ago, even if it is a rejection. I know from stalking your blog and twitter account that you have been busy and those 7 months flew by for you. I, on the other hand, have been breathlessly waiting for the last 210 days, hoping to get THE CALL. Acid reflux and digestive pain have been my constant companion as a result of the anxiety I have felt as I waited for you to determine if the last 3 years of my life spent writing was a waste. Perhaps if you quit reading all of those already-published books you swoon over in your blog and quit twittering about inconsequential things every 2 minutes your response time for full manuscript requests could be reduced to a more reasonable 6 months. Just saying…

    P.S. I will be sure to forward to you the DRs bill for the endoscopy I had to have thanks to the chronic anxiety in waiting for your reply.

  97. Dear Agent,

    Thanks for the succinct reply.

    But how could you believe I was seriously proposing the Dalai Lama blurb? “This book changed my life!” Whoa. Irony rools, OK?

    No doubt you applied the same keen reading skills to my sample chapters. But I’ll be kind. If posterity ever learns what a chump you’ve been, it won’t be my doing. ☺
    The propitiatory emoticon is brought to you out of respect for the Dalai Lama, who believes going around calling people chumps, even when they are chumps, is bad policy. (My mother says forget the happy face.)

    Cheers

  98. Dear Agent,

    First of all, let me apologize again for stopping by unannounced to get some feedback on the query I Fedexed to you on 9/17/10. As I told security, my intention was to come across as persistent and enthusiastic, not, as your intern stated “rambling, with a desperate look in my eyes.” Suffice it to say, this has been a “teachable moment” for me.

    And, of course, thank you for not pressing charges. It says a lot about you as a person, and makes me even more convinced you are definitely the perfect agent for me.

    Best,
    CJ

  99. Whilst I enjoyed your stark rejection of the beautifully hand written fiftieth draft of my romantic erotic goth horror ménage, ‘Freak, Frankenstein, Fred and other F words’, I’m unable to accept until you respond using the following criteria.

    Weekdays: Arial 12 pt, first and last paragraph only
    Weekends: Times New Roman 10 pt, negative words in bold

    All rejections must be sent in triplicate via snail mail, one copy per envelope.

    Until I receive the appropriate documentation in full I will assume you are my agent and forward all literary queries directly to your personal email address and phone number.

  100. Dear Agent,

    Thanks for bothering to reply and letting me know that my project isn’t right for you. I apologize again for misspelling your name in my initial query. I know from your blog rants that is a major pet peeve of yours. FYI…my name is spelled with an “ie,” not a “y,” and, I am a Mrs. not a Mr. Your confusion is understandable given that I write for the romance genre which, as everyone knows, is dominated by male writers.

    Another FYI…REAL agents live in NYC! (Unless you’re Nathan, who is so awesome he can work from anywhere!)

  101. Dear Agent,
    I just want to let you know that I know what you’re going through. I also get writer’s block. It’s ok to admit that you have it too, as shown by your form rejection.
    Don’t worry, hang in there. I’m sure your muse will come down any minute.
    In fact, to help you with your writer’s block, I’ve rewritten my query to be so tantalizing that you won’t be able to help but reply with gushing words of praise.
    So here’s to breaking through writer’s block. I hope to hear you are feeling better soon.
    Sincerely,
    Your Kindred Spirit

  102. Dear Agent,

    I was sorry to hear that you opted to reject my query. In the time it has taken you to respond, I happened to get glowing blurbs from David Sedaris, Jonathan Franzen and Barbara Kingsolver. And on the recommendation of Maya Angelou, Oprah has decided to launch her new publishing house with one million copies of my manuscript. Hardback.

    To celebrate, she’s flying me and one hundred of my closest friends (on a plane piloted by John Travolta) to a private island off the coast of Costa Rica, where we’ll enjoy the successful and velociraptor-free real-life version of Jurrassic Park (during the day) and nightly live-Skyped book club meetings discussing my work with Eckhard Tolle, Tom Cruise and Rashida Jones.

    Enclosed is your invitation. Unfortunately I’ve been very busy, and the party happened last week.

    Best,
    Author

      • Dear Agent

        Although my historical, multicultural, romance, mystery, women’s fiction ms fits every genre you seek (except contemporary) you haven’t even bothered emailing a rejection. I am among the first of 76 million Boomers who begin retiring next year—I got laid off last year (sans pension).

        But NOW I’m connected: a) to agent Bransford who actually knows what happened in SF in 1967 and, b) to Jim Duncan, author of DEADWORLD, the Boomers’ next stop. We know how to organize (google the Gray Panthers). Think TOMMYKNOCKERS meets Ghost Whisperer.

        WE’LL BE BACK…haunting, isn’t it?

        Chilly regards,
        Booooo Whoooo

  103. Dear Agent,

    I read your rejection letter with interest, and I’m sorry to say that, given the current market and my recently acquired new house (payment. And car payment. And pizza franchise payment and expenses (you wouldn’t believe the price of cheese these days)), it’s just not right for me at this time.

    I am, however, especially fond of contracts and, failing those, advance checks. I’m sure you didn’t mean to miss that little factoid on my cover letter.

    Can’t wait for my book to grace the screen of every Kindle in the free (and otherwise) world.

    🙂

  104. Dear Agent,

    You obviously missed my email of last week. I sent you a rejection after I saw you twitting about your toenail polish and your latest martini and bikini party.

    Sorry, but I’m looking for a special kind of agent. An agent to be my safe harbour in times of need and greed; someone who can hold their mind together against the storm of success coming my way. Someone smart and focused. You just don’t have those attributes.

    Try again. Lt’s hope for your career the next star doesn’t slip through your pretty polished fingers like I did.

  105. Dear Agent:

    What does: “I really like the idea, the concept and the unique characters, but no thanks,” mean? I wish I had a super power to read between the lines, but I am, in fact, completely and utterly stuck in this human form, powerless to understand how you can like it, but not like it at the same time.

    Sincerely (wishing I did have that super power),
    Author

  106. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your form rejection. Unfortunately it’s not what I’m looking for at this time. I have decided not to accept it.

    Thank you for your offer of representation.

  107. Dear Illustrious Agent # 7042,

    Your job will be about as relevant as the milk man in five years time. Your occupation is akin to driving from Chicago to Los Angeles in order to be chauffeured to my actual destination of Washington, D.C. (You’re a very bright person and I’m sure you can figure out why this analogy is so spot on…) I don’t feel bad about form letters, because it saves you from reaching into your non-existent black thing you call a ‘soul’ to eek out one genuine bit of human emotion. When I get that bit of recognition (which you wished to profit by, while doing next to nothing in return…) I’ll give some cliche speech about how our adversaries make us stronger. At that moment you’ll know my name, but it won’t matter because I would have long forgotten yours.

    Best,

    Querying writer # 7042

  108. As a tribute to your lengthy and heartfelt rejection letter, I’ve used it as a Mad Lib in my 7th grade English classroom. Here’s what my students came up with:

    Dear Author:

    Thank you for your foot powder, which I pooped with interest. Unfortunately, I’m not the smelly agent for your boogers. However, do not fart as I am sure some pimply agent will feel quite bodily.

    Thank you for burping me. I rub you the best of garlic breath with your writing.

    Sincerely,
    Santa Claus

    So, dear agent, your rejection letter was a hit. Thanks for the foppery.

  109. Dear Agent,
    Wait!

    I can do better! Perhaps it would help if I rewrote my entire book using the style of another successful writer? A demonstration:

    Hemingway!
    “I dropped my suitcase. It went thud.”

    Salinger!
    “I dropped my suitcase, and then tripped over it and landed at the feet of some phony. I hated him. I really did.”

    Stephenie Meyer!
    “I dropped my suitcase, and out of it stepped the most perfectly, gloriously, scintillatingly handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on. He told me my blood smelled like Milk Duds, but I loved him anyway: completely, irrevocably, hormonally.”

    Call me?

  110. Dear Agent,

    I’ve received more than a few rejections regarding this book. But I’d like to thank you for taking the time to give me some valuable advice and for offering detailed suggestions.

    Even though you rejected me, I wanted to take the time to thank you for not sending a form rejection. At least I know the rejection wasn’t personal and that you’re just doing your job.

    And, I promise, just because I’m replying now doesn’t mean we’re going to become pen pals.

    Best,

  111. Dear Agent and/or Intern and/or Assistant and/or Entire Agency That Rejected My Work Without Ever Seeing it Yourself:

    Your day is busy
    This we know
    your tweets and blogs
    both tell us so

    Hate to reply
    and take more time
    but your last email
    provoked a rhyme

    Twenty-four hours
    my day equals yours
    full time job, shopping
    all the usual chores

    But from my day
    I managed all right
    to spend thirty minutes
    and query you right

    So please be a pal
    send a word not too long
    and tell me please
    what I did wrong

    Sincerely,

    Ohmye F. Ingodpleez

  112. Dear Agent:

    I never really expected you to represent me. When I had a mini-heart attack seeing an email in my inbox? I was pretending. Yes, that’s it. Just pretending. And that moment of crushing disappointment when I saw it was addressed to “dear writer”? Again, I really wasn’t disappointed. I knew it could never happen. I only followed your blog every day for a year. I only crafted my query and had it eddited by dozens of people. I only polished my first few pages to within an inch of their lives. Sure I had heard that by following blogs and doing research, my chances are better than most, but even with all the hours/days/weeks I put into my work, I couldn’t possibly hope to get represented by someone as amazing and talented and famouse and cool as you. Well, I’ll end my letter here, the men in white coats are here to give me todays pills.

  113. Dear Agent,

    I would like to take this opportunity to (come in off the ledge long enough to) tell you that I really do (not) appreciate you taking your (anger at the world out on me) time to respond to my query. I am currently (trying to recover from) considering how you (ripped my heart out and stomped on it like a cockroach) suggested I try something different. Consequently, I am doing (therapy) work to (move on from) apply what you suggested. I am actually starting on another writing project now (my suicide note) .

    Sincerely (considering waitressing now),

    Lynn L.

  114. Dear Bonehead,
    Whilst perusing your rejection, I determined the following: First off, you remind me of something from the nose of my 3 year old. I truly believe that you are the illegitimate parent of Wesley Crusher of Star Trek fame for only there have I ever encountered the pathetic, tiny-testicled, spineless words and sentences such as used in your rejection. Did the print your diploma on single or double ply because surely, waffle ply was too good. I will pray that you and your offspring burn for your transgressions. Trust me when I say, I’m not bothered by rejection.

  115. To the Duplicitous Mr. Bradford,

    I find your five-minute rejection of my query utterly appalling. I‘ll have you know, good sir, that I waited at least TEN minutes while you finished your ablutions in the men’s room of the Marriott before I pitched you my novel.

    Clearly, the good people at Supernatural Fan-Fiction who included me in their “Top 100 honorable mention for slash fan-fiction” list and the learned folks who voted me “Most Improved” at the Write a Song for Kesha site are able to recognize literary talent.

    You sir, are a rube.

    This response is copyright protected.

  116. Hey Agent,

    The author want to thank you for responding to her query, “Poop Happens”. She would have wrote this herself, but she busy walking her dog and can’t type and walk at the same time. I may be just the housekeeper but trust me when I say, “you don’t know shit.”
    P.S. She is a good woman and writer. She is helpin me learn to writ too.
    P.S.S. you need housekeeper call me. need raise

  117. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your uninspired rejection which begs the question, “Have you met your quota yet”?

    Sincerely,
    Counting

  118. Dear Agent,
    So my work’s not good enough, but you wish me luck? Well, I’ve got something to wish right back atcha…that your next fart’s a wet one.

  119. Dear Agent:

    I’m sending your response to my query to the Guiness Book of World Records as the shortest response on record. After years of writing, rewriting, tweaking and proofing, you can imagine my surprise when I read your reply: “Not for us, thanks.”

    I cried for a while, I swore and I wrote a nasty little story about you which I will enter in a writing contest. But my dignity has returned, and you, dear agent, are “not for me, thanks.”

  120. I’ve seen your rejection letter, and knowing you have a drinking problem, I have to assume you were under the influence when you sent it to me. No matter. I will resend the query without the vodka this time. You’re welcome.

  121. Dear Agent,

    Was this form rejection for me? Since you didn’t bother to include my name in the salutation, nor mention the ms I sent you, I’m going to assume it was a mistake. Don’t be embarassed! I’m an easy author to work with. And to make your job easier, I’ve pasted my query and partial below (just in case it got lost in the six months you’ve spent “reading it”).

    Thank you,

  122. Grats on your success, and this is really a super fun contest. I’m going to retweet this. 🙂 Thanks to the both of you for hosting.

    Dear Agent,

    After spending days–nay weeks–on my query, after having my query critiqued, torn apart by super mean people, and reedited, and after several sleepless nights drowning in my tears, I want to thank you for the not-so-helpful form letter that must have taken…oh, let’s say one minute of your time to compose.

    Your the best,

  123. As I am sure you understand, my email overflows almost daily with rejections from agents. I’ll certainly read your rejection with interest as time allows. If you do not hear back from me within six months of receiving the enclosed query for my novel, please understand that your rejection did not meet with sufficient enthusiasm on my part to consider it further. I’m sure there are many authors who might be enthused to receive your individual comments on their work. Best of luck with it elsewhere.

  124. Dear Agent,

    Not many have the willpower to deny such glorious writing. It is clear now. YOU are the chosen agent as foretold by Binky! Accept your destiny! I will expect your reply no later than daybreak. If I do not hear from you, I shall assume the evil ones are involved and attempt a rescue. If I cannot save you, then I must end you. I do not want to do this. Accept your fate! If not for the sake of the fantasy genre then for this reason alone…

    I am your father.

    Love,
    Binky and me.

  125. Dear Agent:

    I’d thought our query date meant something, I wore my NewTimes Roman dress that you said I looked cute in. What went wrong I have been glued to the computer screen waiting for your message and when I finally got your message four weeks later I can’t believe you said this.

    “It’s not you… it’s business.” Seriously what does that mean, you asked for paranormal Romance and I gave that to you sure it was wrong to dress up as a vampire and stalk you at night, or call the agency pretending to be a big wig editor at a major publishing house, then watched you from the second floor jumping up for joy and felt giddy when I called you back and stated the same words, along with a BURN. Parting is sweet sorrow and when I get my awesome agent you will be the first to know in closing as Stephanie Tanner would say. “HOW RUDE.”

  126. Dear Agent-

    Thank you for thanking me for submitting to you and giving you the chance to consider rejecting my work. While I found your rejection intriguing, I’m afraid I wasn’t sufficiently enthusiastic care at this time.

    As I’m sure you know, publishing is a subjective business and I’m sure there’s another writer out there better suited to your representation.

    I wish you the best of luck and the greatest success, though you won’t be getting big fat checks from me when I hit the NYT list so how successful can you be?

    Sincerely,
    The One Who Got Away

  127. Dear Agent,

    Why don’t you write me the query you want to see and I’ll attach my name to it? That way, you get to read something you truly enjoy and I’ll have an agent. I only see this as a win-win situation.

    Sincerely,

    Me

  128. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your form rejection. It is obvious that you do not know real talent when you read it. You couldn’t possibly know how wonderful my book is from reading my small 10 page query letter.

    Please be advised that when I make it to the New York Times Best Sellers list I will think of you kindly and email you regularly to remind you of your failure to recognize true talent when you had the chance.

    Sincerely,

    Future Bestselling Author

  129. I apologize for this automated response, but I am out of the office, attending the 3-day Conclave of Reclusive Artists. Bill Watterson and Harper Lee have some new work to share, and JD Salinger (may he rest in peace, er, more peace) penned a short story for us before he died. We will be voting on Thomas Pynchon’s possible expulsion due to his appearance on The Simpsons. Cormac McCarthy thinks we should let it go, but he would say that (*cough *Oprah *cough*).

    I wanted to bring a guest, but, alas, the literary agents I contacted replied with strange form rejection letters.

    Sorry to have missed your correspondence!

  130. This is great everyone. There’s some hilarious responses up there. Pass the word along to others who might be interested. Even if you don’t need the prize you can win it for someone who does. Check in tomorrow for the blog’s first haunting, coming from the lovely country of Scotland.

  131. Dear Agent:
    I’m sorry the flash-frozen rabbit I sent along with my manuscript, “WatershipDude” was badly received by your assistant/mom. I had no idea you were a vegetarian. Your blog never mentioned this. Please don’t worry. I’ve posted that info plus your address on Facebook. I loved when your reply started with: “Dear”, but can you clarify the meaning of, “…you’ll hear from my attorney”? Is your attorney also an agent? If so, that is neat and thanks for the referral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here’s one back with no hard feelings. My cousin’s stopping over with his photo-book memoir.
    Thanks, Annie

  132. Dear Agent,

    I see your rejection letter and I raise you one envelope filled with glitter mailed to your office, three snarky comments about you on QueryTracker, and an offensive Tweet about your bedwetting.

    Oh yes, the brinkmanship has begun.

  133. Dear Agent:

    Thank you so very much for your rejection of my query letter. Despite the fact that your letter was completely impersonal, and I think that you are wrong, because I know you are the perfect agent to represent my novel, I am still very grateful that you sent me a rejection email –honestly. The only thing worse than receiving a rejection for a query is not receiving a response at all, which seems to keep happening to me. So thanks for saying no thanks, it’s better than waiting for an email that never comes.

    Best wishes,

    Stephanie

  134. Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

    Thank you for your letter of rejection. Unfortunately, given the overwhelming volume of outstanding agents, I am currently only accepting responses from agents who can recognize true talent.

    Please keep in mind that respecting an agent is a subjective process and an agent who cannot discern good literature may well be met with great enthusiasm by another. At any rate, it was kind of you to reveal your lack of experience and I wish you the best in finding a suitable client.

    Sincerely,

  135. Dear Agent:

    Thank you for your form rejection. This saves me the pain of knowing what’s wrong with my query and allows me to continue in a hope-filled vacuum.

    Your lack of feedback also prevents an awkward, extended exchange between us. I commend your willingness to end our dysfunctional relationship before someone gets hurt.

    Yet I sense that you’re having second thoughts. I can read between the lines. To spare you any further embarrassing admissions, I’ve attached the completed manuscript below. It’s just a formality, I know. You may consider your silent apology and offer of representation accepted.

    Sincerely,
    Delusional

  136. Dude,
    Thanks for the e-mail. You know the one. It was titled, “Your Query.” Yep. The title alone made me anxious. I couldn’t wait to open your e-mail. It didn’t scream “Rejection!” at all. Nope. You are far too original with your words. Loved it. Thanks, again.
    [Delete]

  137. Dear Agent:

    Thank you for your form rejection. I understand your busy schedule. The modern job of an agent sounds exhausting, especially having to compose an endless stream of snarky comments about writers to post online and participating in official Snarky Agent Comment Events. And God knows, writers need this. They’re as dumb as a bag of hammers, not exactly the intelligentsia of society. Thank you for all your tweets about your cats and drinking episodes in bars near Writers Conventions. I’ve learned so much by following you online. Keep up the good work.

  138. Dear Agent,

    I received your rejection. I have rewritten chapter three, which now features you as a character. You’re eaten by a giant spider in chapter four, regurgitated in chapter five, hung by your feet over a pit of fire in chapter six, covered in boils in chapter seven, fight a losing battle with a venereal disease in chapter eight, get tortured by an inquisitor in chapter nine, and chapter ten?. There are not enough circles in hell for what happens to you in chapter ten.

    Will you represent me now? Or should I make this a series?

    Best,

    –Dave

  139. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for your recent submission of a form rejection letter to add to my existing “rejection letter” pile. It is with great difficulty that I opt to pass on your well-formatted rejection. Currently, I have far too many rejections to consider. Unfortunately, I do not feel I can give your rejection the time and consideration it needs to be a success in this very competitive rejection letter industry.

    I encourage you to continue your efforts — continue your quest to further enhance your rejection abilities. I remain confident that there is an author suitable to your style and genre of rejection.

    Keep Rejecting,
    An author

  140. Dear ______,

    Thank you so much for reviewing my work and sharing your thoughts. However based on my current state of unrepresentation, I’m going to have to reject your rejection. As you know, there are many other writers to turn away, and my rejection of your rejection is certainly not the final word on your abilities to spurn, rebuff or dismiss.

    Therefore I wish you the best of luck in future rejections. I hope that you and I may in the future not work together.

    I’ve attached a contract with favorable terms and a manuscript that you shall represent.

    Best,

  141. Hi agent,

    If only, you had givn me the slightest hint, why you rejected the best manuscrupt inthe word… I bet you’re glad that I live on the other side of the pbig pond. Don’t you think it a tad too convenient? Guess what. I’ll take the next flight to talk to you – I spotted you on the new Google street-view the other day. You’d better have some cronstuktive criti.. criter… – helpful advise hand or else…
    I think I’ll better pack my hunting license.

    With regards,
    Your very unhappy soon-to-be client

  142. Dear Super Agent-bot,

    I have no need to commit your many aliases to memory. You have kept your secret hidden long enough Super Agent-bot. I have found you out. You are in fact a robot, and for far too long, you have ruled over the lowly queriers with your changing rejection letters and supposed agency headings. You have created an aura of prominence by eating away at the hopes and dreams of the innocent writer. You will hide no more behind your shroud of query help articles and blogs of writing encouragement. This is the end of you, Super Agent-bot.

  143. Dear [Agent],

    Thanks for getting back to me concerning my 350,000-word upper-adult memior novel, the first of a twenty-book series. I particularly appreciate you pointing out that this novel is not a fit for you at this time. For your convenience I plan on resending it every day for the next fifty years, starting at 12am and progressively moving up in the minutes until all minutes of the day have been accounted for. Statistics clearly show that it will eventually be the right time for you.

  144. Dear Agent,
    Thank you for your recent correspondence, but I regret to inform you that you must have sent it to the wrong person. I’m afraid you sent me the form rejection. But, don’t be embarrassed, these kinds of mix ups happen all the time.
    Who am I kidding? Of course you rejected me. Why wouldn’t you? My writing is complete dreck. I owe you an apology for wasting your time.
    But, while I have your attention, what would you think if I changed from a horror to a romance? I hear those are selling well.

  145. dEar sir and/or Madame and/or King jerk Of Jerklesberry,
    though I was initially disappointed to receive your rejection, I has reconsider your response under the careful advisement of a fifth of bourbon and realized you have in face presented me with a opportunity. A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!!! Now that I know the world is evil (and it is, don’t you say it isn’t)), I can rebuild my query . It will be stronger. Faster. smarter. Stronger. and so I thank you. Also, thank you for submitting your face, but it isn’t what I’m looking for at this time and it’s dumb.

  146. Dear Agent,

    Thank you for actually sending me a personal rejection letter. While I was in shock and totally put off guard by your letter, your handwriting was so atrocious that I have decided it would be better for me, my work, and my eyes, to find someone who can write legibly. Sorry it didn’t work out!

  147. Oh, Dearest Super-Star Agent;
    I don’t think you understood that my query was written in the spirit of fun and widely influenced by Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan, also spirits. I’d heard on the underground writer’s grapevine you were quite the Bacchanalian yourself at a convention or three. If I can resubmit my query, I won’t be fun at all. I swear.

  148. Dear Agent/Sir/Madam, 



    Thank you for your offer of rejection. As you may be aware, I receive many rejections and do not have time to answer each impersonal letter or postcard personally. Be assured that I have read your rejection and gave it the utmost consideration.

    I appreciate your possible consideration of my query but your rejection wasn’t right for me at this time. Of course, another writer may feel differently. Good luck finding ___ a dartboard ___ a fireplace ___ a recycling bin for your rejection. 



    Sincerely, 

    Theresa Milstein (Note actual name. Not Author, Sir or Madam.)

  149. First, Congratulations on your upcoming book, getting Nathan to represent you and your author website. I’m starting the Query letter process while my fabulous freelance editor, whom I met at SBWC two years ago, is working on the revisions I made on my memoir manuscript. I shall be able to enter your contest, once the rejections start arriving. So far none. You should share some of yours with us, now that you’ve succeeded. All the best.

  150. Dear agent,

    Thank you for the feedback! You are probably right, the subject of my novel may be a little too outlandish for mass marketing purposes.

    Oh, did I say novel? Because I meant memoir. That’s right, I actually am an undead warlock with lava instead of eyes. I shopped is as fiction to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation with Oprah. I apologize in advance for the plague of locusts in your bathtub. On the bright side, your plumber will thank me. And oh, you’re first born son? Totally the devil’s property.

    Have a nice day!

  151. Dear agent,

    I received your form rejection, and would like to offer a little feedback. Your opening sentence … meh. And the rest of the paragraph was kind of vague. I don’t get a clear sense of where you were going with that. I suggest you attend a seminar on effective rejection writing. This is all subjective, of course. Another querier might be better suited for this rejection.

  152. Dear Agent,

    You are so welcome, I’m glad I could provide you with something to reject. It’s also nice to know how eager you were to reject me.
    I know agenting is a subjective business but I feel I have added a new twist in the old “Guy gets stalked by a Houseplant” theme.

    I do thank you so much for your suggestion that I try other agents, I would have never thought of that. Also thank you for wishing me luck, I had been thinking of trying to improve my writing but with your encouragement I will rely more on luck.

  153. Hey Agent,

    That’s cool. I really didn’t want to be repped by you anyways. I must’ve accidentally typed in your name and email address instead of Janet Reid’s. This is a subjective business after all, and subjectively she is way cooler than you. Don’t worry, I’m sure there are other writers out there who will find you… interesting. So no hard feelings.

    Oh, and next year, I might accidentally type in your name and email address for this new Manuscript I’m working on. If you want to rep it, I might consider you, but if not, then whatever.

  154. Dear Sir,

    Hey, no big deal. You don’t like my book. That’s fine. In fact, that’s why I happen to be in your home town right now. I just wanted to let you know politely, oh so politely, that I know where you live. And that key you keep under that brick? I know where that is too. Haha! Surprise! You’ve seen me twice actually, the guy in the clown outfit across the street? That was me. I’ve seen you three times. Once while you were asleep. Haha! Fun fun fun. So no hard feelings. It’s all good. But if you decide to change your mind and take another look at my manuscript, hey, that would. Be. Just. Fine.