Vote for the Best Query Rejection Response

Thanks to everyone for participating. It was fun reading through all of your entries. A lot of entertaining and creative responses. I narrowed it down to twenty-five and then down to twelve, and that will be the final to vote on. I know I said ten, but that’s the way it goes. I’ve removed the names, though if you really have to know who wrote them you can check back at the contest post.  Please, only pick one winner. You have until Wednesday night at midnight to vote and then I’ll tally it up on Thursday and announce the lucky winner. I really appreciate everyone coming over to my blog to check things out and hope some of you will stick around for more stuff on writing and the paranormal. Next post is going to be another fun one, called “Title It,” where I pick a cover from a book, and through clever computer manipulation, remove the title, and everyone gets to come up with their own, and we’ll see if anyone actually gets close to the real title. Anyway, below are the 12 finalitsts. At the bottom is a poll to choose your winner. Take care!

1.

Dear Agent,
My heart stopped when I received your “not for me” reply to my query letter.
I thought it was pretty ingenious of you to reply using ASCII code, given that my novel is Science Fiction. Thankfully, I read your message loud and clear.
I knew the ASCII Hex translation for “not for me” was =6e 6f 74 20 66 6f 72 20 6d 65 and that the sum of the decimal equivalent to those number was =20. The other reply that adds to 20 when I follow the same thought process is….wait for it….wait for it…“for me”.

2.

Who is this? How did you get this email address? I know I didn’t query you, because you sent me a rejection letter. My email account is very sophisticated, and I have set it to reject all query rejections, return to sender.

Obviously, you’re new. It’s okay. We’ve all been there. Here’s how it works: writers (me) send agents (you) query letters, and you pick one. Sort of like speed-dating.

You must have worked really hard to bypass my security and gain my personal attention. I respect that. Attached is my full manuscript. In the future, you can just ask.

3.

Dear Mr. Agent,

It’s been twenty-seven days, eight hours and forty-five minutes since I received your form rejection. I’m certain there has to be some sort of server error with your email provider. However, all my messages have gone unanswered and something has to be wrong with your blog because my comments seem to disappear.

This is absolutely your last chance before I move on to all the other agents interested in representing my novel. This time I mean it … LAST CHANCE!

Call me.

4.

You won’t take a middle grade project unless it blows your mind? Are you crazy? What about Harry Potter or that new book Jacob Wonder Kapow and the Space Bar? Hundreds of Millions of Copies Sold. In the void after the publication of Jacob Space Bar and the Kapow Wonder, you will wish you had Moira The Destroya to publish while the world waits for vampires to die. I AM GOING TO BE ON OPRAH! D’ya hear me? I am going to tell her that Nathan Whats his Name and several hundred other Whatever-Their-Names- were not taking middle grade fiction at this time. Sleep on that Mr. Bransford.

5.

Dear Agent,

Thank you for informing me you are unable to offer representation at this time. Would another time work better for you?

I also understand that my novel is not the right fit for you. Hence, might I suggest laying off the donuts and soda pop. A new and trim you may just be able to squeeze into my book someday.

And while you are forced to be “extremely selective” when considering new clients, I must say I am the same way when it comes to selecting agents. Subsequently, I don’t get why you’re being so picky. I’m not.

6.

Dear Agent,

See what I did there? See?? I don’t even have to tell you that this is a form rejection of your form rejection, because even though your said rejection clearly had your name at the bottom of it (much like my query letter did…), I will refer to you only as “Agent” so you feel even less human.

Anywho, real sorry about this impersonal note (blah, blah, blah) but the sheer volume of Farmville requests and Penis Enlargement “correspondence” I receive on a daily basis makes it difficult for me to respond to you personally. Either way it seems obvious that you are entirely too busy for me. Strange. I even went out of my way to include the word “vampire” 17 times in a query that has nothing to do with vampires in the hopes that it would at least pique your interest and you might actually pay attention and do your job. Hell, I even spelled it “vampyre” once or twice, because, you know, I’m edgy. You agent types like that, right? Edgy stuff? Oh well.

Its really a shame, too. I liked your terribly written rejection letter even more than I like your incredibly boring blog, and I was really looking forward to working with such a dynamic and creative individual. Whatever. You know what they say, those that can’t do, teach. And those that can’t teach become agents. Thank you for your time and energy.

Suck it,

Author.

7.

Dear Agent,

First of all, let me apologize again for stopping by unannounced to get some feedback on the query I Fedexed to you on 9/17/10. As I told security, my intention was to come across as persistent and enthusiastic, not, as your intern stated “rambling, with a desperate look in my eyes.” Suffice it to say, this has been a “teachable moment” for me.

And, of course, thank you for not pressing charges. It says a lot about you as a person, and makes me even more convinced you are definitely the perfect agent for me.

Best,

8.

As a tribute to your lengthy and heartfelt rejection letter, I’ve used it as a Mad Lib in my 7th grade English classroom. Here’s what my students came up with:

Dear Author:

Thank you for your foot powder, which I pooped with interest. Unfortunately, I’m not the smelly agent for your boogers. However, do not fart as I am sure some pimply agent will feel quite bodily.

Thank you for burping me. I rub you the best of garlic breath with your writing.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

So, dear agent, your rejection letter was a hit. Thanks for the foppery.

9.

Dear Agent and/or Intern and/or Assistant and/or Entire Agency That Rejected My Work Without Ever Seeing it Yourself:

Your day is busy
This we know
your tweets and blogs
both tell us so

Hate to reply
and take more time
but your last email
provoked a rhyme

Twenty-four hours
my day equals yours
full time job, shopping
all the usual chores

But from my day
I managed all right
to spend thirty minutes
and query you right

So please be a pal
send a word not too long
and tell me please
what I did wrong

Sincerely,

Ohmye F. Ingodpleez

10.

Dear Agent,

Not many have the willpower to deny such glorious writing. It is clear now. YOU are the chosen agent as foretold by Binky! Accept your destiny! I will expect your reply no later than daybreak. If I do not hear from you, I shall assume the evil ones are involved and attempt a rescue. If I cannot save you, then I must end you. I do not want to do this. Accept your fate! If not for the sake of the fantasy genre then for this reason alone…

I am your father.

Love,
Binky and me.

11.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Thank you for your letter of rejection. Unfortunately, given the overwhelming volume of outstanding agents, I am currently only accepting responses from agents who can recognize true talent.

Please keep in mind that respecting an agent is a subjective process and an agent who cannot discern good literature may well be met with great enthusiasm by another. At any rate, it was kind of you to reveal your lack of experience and I wish you the best in finding a suitable client.

Sincerely,

12.

Dear Agent,

I received your rejection. I have rewritten chapter three, which now features you as a character. You’re eaten by a giant spider in chapter four, regurgitated in chapter five, hung by your feet over a pit of fire in chapter six, covered in boils in chapter seven, fight a losing battle with a venereal disease in chapter eight, get tortured by an inquisitor in chapter nine, and chapter ten?. There are not enough circles in hell for what happens to you in chapter ten.

Will you represent me now? Or should I make this a series?

Best,

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5 responses to “Vote for the Best Query Rejection Response

  1. Pingback: Rejection Letters TO Agents | Getting Published

  2. I loved the ones you picked. It was difficult to make my decision, but I finally did after some more thinking and a bit of rereading. Great contest, by the way.